A Story About A Nice Girl…

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Charles Bukowski- An Almost Made Up Poem

I see you drinking at a fountain with tiny
blue hands, no, your hands are not tiny
they are small, and the fountain is in France
where you wrote me that last letter and
I answered and never heard from you again.
you used to write insane poems about
ANGELS AND GOD, all in upper case, and you
knew famous artists and most of them
were your lovers, and I wrote back, it’ all right,
go ahead, enter their lives, I’ not jealous
because we’ never met. we got close once in
New Orleans, one half block, but never met, never
touched. so you went with the famous and wrote
about the famous, and, of course, what you found out
is that the famous are worried about
their fame –– not the beautiful young girl in bed
with them, who gives them that, and then awakens
in the morning to write upper case poems about
ANGELS AND GOD. we know God is dead, they’ told
us, but listening to you I wasn’ sure. maybe
it was the upper case. you were one of the
best female poets and I told the publishers, 
editors, “ her, print her, she’ mad but she’
magic. there’ no lie in her fire.” I loved you
like a man loves a woman he never touches, only
writes to, keeps little photographs of. I would have
loved you more if I had sat in a small room rolling a
cigarette and listened to you piss in the bathroom,
but that didn’ happen. your letters got sadder.
your lovers betrayed you. kid, I wrote back, all
lovers betray. it didn’ help. you said
you had a crying bench and it was by a bridge and
the bridge was over a river and you sat on the crying
bench every night and wept for the lovers who had
hurt and forgotten you. I wrote back but never
heard again. a friend wrote me of your suicide
3 or 4 months after it happened. if I had met you
I would probably have been unfair to you or you
to me. it was best like this.
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Ever Read Macbeth?

. . . Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
And fill me from the crown to the toe top-full
Of direst cruelty.  –Lady Macbeth (act 1 scene 5)

I get it, I wish to be unsexed sometimes as well, sometimes I don’t want to be a woman.  I mean I love being a woman, but sometimes I really don’t want all the shit we go through.  Meaning all these damn emotions.  Fuck.  Unsex me here please.

Scratch that i don’t want to be unsexed.  I love being a woman.  With out us you are nothing. *women power fist pump*

Not to say that men don’t have emotions, but that’s a post for another day.

Currently Blogging From my New Phone

This is good and bad news.  Why?  Well mainly because now I can blog my thoughts from anywhere but my thoughts are all a bit crazy.  Apologizing in advanced. 
I probably won’t be hard blogging until school begins which will be this Sunday.  I’m surprisingly very excited. I feel new, the same me but like an updated version.  Franchely 2.0.
Ok technology is seeping into my everyday thoughts, problem. 
Oh yeah, I have been using Facebook way too much, it might be time for another hiatus

My Biggest Fear…

is not trying to do what I really want to do and then having to watch other people succeed at the exact same thing.

I think I would hate myself if I end up 50 looking at other people do it and me being too afraid to.

I don’t know where im going with this but hopefully this is motivation.
I hope it is.
It will be.
I have to push myself, no one else will.

My mind is just flowing with great possibilities for the next six months of my life.

I have so many ideas.  I love creating things, all kinds of things.

Ideas that you guys will love.  Stay tuned, cause as soon as i move in to school, this whole creative process will begin.  I have so many ideas, i just hope i can execute them all.  I must.

When I am weak, then I am Strong…

That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  -2 Corinthians 12:10

While I have always been a skeptic of church and all that jazz, I do have faith in a greater something.  On Wednesday night I had a bit of a climatic moment with my infamous ex boyfriend.  Let’s keep it simple and say that the truth always comes out and he is such a liar that shit hit the fan.  I found out the truth about many things and so did his new girl friend.  I will also defend myself by saying that i did not want to cause any drama or issues between and his new girl, but shit happens.

That night I was quite depressed and started to watch one of my favorite shows HBO’s Taxi Cab Confessions.  In the show one of the guys said this quote, i googled it and realized that it was from the bible.  This quote resonated with me, mainly because of the things that my ex kept saying to me this night and all of the next morning.

This quote makes me be ok with the b.s that we as humans have to go through every single day.  Because every single bit of hardship, every obstacle, every  heartache, and disappointment, while it strips us to our inner weakest most vulnerable selves will only create stronger beings in the end.

This summer was awesome, im sad its over.  I’ve learned so much about myself, and people.  I know that I have become stronger through every single experience whether good or bad.

thank you, creator, life, ect for making sure I experienced this.

I’m not really religious but many experiences in life bring you closer to God, and I think this definitely did.

The Perks of Being Alone.

There are many wonderful advantages to being alone.  I can say this now that I am single and far from mingling.

“You have to learn how to be happy alone, so when lonely pours in, you’ll be more than fine, you’ll be relieved.”

I recently put this up as a facebook status after being inspired by a video (below).

While relationships and love are all wonderful things, trust me I love being in love.  Being alone doesn’t have to be a punishment after a relationship goes awry.

For example I was in a 16 month relationship, very much in love and all that shit, but it didn’t work out.  Why? Well let say this guy loves being in love more than me and when our relationship got rocky he went to another woman.  I left him, and he moved on to her.  But at first I was pretty sad about it, I mean come on, who wouldn’t be?

That was in April, we are now in the month of August and im actually relieved to be single.  I’ve had a pretty wonderful summer.  I mean clearly everyday isn’t going to be easy.  But I have learned to be happy alone and I know that the next time that I get my heartbroken, which will happen.  I will bounce back so much quicker because I know how to be happy alone.

You must learn to keep yourself happy because people are flawed they will make mistakes, they will fuck up, and they will make you unhappy.  So you must be there  for you, you must love you, and you must make your self happy as fuck.  Make sense.

This single summer of mine, I learned so much, things I wouldn’t have learned if that relationship would have continued.  I would have spent my time, arguing, crying, wishing and praying he would work harder to make me happy.  When that wasnt up to him, all along it was my responsibility to make me happy and the minute i noticed that i was unhappy in that relationship I should have left and started over with myself.

This isn’t just about being alone after a relationship, this is about being ok with being alone anytime, during lunch, or while at home, on the train ride home, at the movies.  It’s ok to hang out with yourself.  You’re the coolest person you know, so why not spend quality time with yourself.

“..Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is ok” (from the vid)